This is My Dirge, My Requiem
by silver thorns
Summary: A character study of sorts, based on the ending of the first game.


hello! this is about riku, again. gotta love the rikuness!

okay, spolier for the end. sorry! but please read, please review, please tell me what you think! sorry about the overall depressingness. it's riku's fault, not mine!

btw, not mine! well, the idea is, but not riku! or kingdom hearts, or anybody else!

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I can feel it. The darkness, slowly growing, consuming, claiming my heart once more. But I fight it, struggle against it like I should have long ago, before any of this mess started. Too late now.

There is not even a sliver of light in here, the 'kingdom of hearts'. Here it is forever night, the only source of light being the heartless' cold yellow eyes. And I fight them, and I kill them. But as hard as I try, as many as I kill, they keep coming, and they won't stop, not whilst there remains even a shred of light in my heart. But that's okay. I fall into a mind-numbing routine. Hack, parry, slash, move on. Hack, parry, slash, move on. Over and over again. Here, in Kingdom Hearts, I live for these moments. Because as long as I keep fighting, I won't have to think about...well, everything really. Because if I think about it, if my mind even brushes against your names, it will hurt. So I try to block you out, all of you, as I always did. I understand that, now. Just as I now understand why the keyblade chose you, instead of me.

But the heartless have stopped. They are waiting, preparing themselves for what may be the final attack. They too feel the darkness that eats away at my heart, they know it won't be long now.

My mind claws its way back from the pits I sent it too, and with it, so do my memories. I shrink away, fearful, but they keep coming, just like the heartless that plague this accursed world. I see you before me, all of you.

Tidus and Wakka, inseperable, the best of friends, always training, trying so hard to best me in a fight.

Selphie, always the romantic. I remember when you tried to share a paopu fruit with me, before Kairi came to our island.

Kairi! How could I forget _you_? Your smiling face, gentle eyes. Kind, caring, everything good should ever be. And I was so, so _stupid_ for ever getting jelous, stupid, stupid, stupid! I fought for you, I hurt for you, I even _killed_ for you, yet I could not win the smile you saved only for him.

I remember you well, Sora. First, and best, friend. I tried to block you out, tried to push you away, even tried to kill you at one point, but even then, you never learned to hate. Not Maleficent, not Ansem, not even me. A true friend. Always.

Sora, thank you. Your friends too. Donald and Goofy. They stayed with you, even when I wielded the keyblade, even against their king's wishes, knowing full well it could have been the last thing they ever did. Admirable. You all are. You've all come so far, been through so much for each other. For me. The best friends a guy could ever have. Better than me. Better than I deserve.

I am alone here in Kingdom Hearts. There is no one here, not even the king. He's already gone, searching for the doors that will lead us out of this hellhole. The hellhole that at this moment seems like paradise. This empty world filled with hate and dispair. The kingdom of hearts, eh? Hah! With a heart like this, no wonder we ended up with Ansem...

It's my fault I'm stuck here, I shouldn't complain. But I do anyway, because I am lonely. I don't know why I did it, why I closed the door. I guess...I guess I wanted to give you four something good to remember me by. I wanted you to be proud of me. It was _my_ turn to fly, _my_ turn to shine, _my_ turn to pay for the things I've done, instead of running away and leaving it for you lot to sort out.

Or maybe I'm just doing it again. Shutting out the wold again, like I've done so many times before. Only this time, I may not get out.

Is it true, that all heroes have a dirge, a requiem, when they die? A death song that thousands sing as the body is returned to the earth, or set free into the skies? I wonder if I'll get one. Not that I deserve it, but it would be nice. Maybe. Sora definatly will. Requiems are always saved for the true heroes, the ones who never do a selfish thing, the ones who always retain their childish innocents through even the most trying of hardships. Ones who stay with their friends, no matter what.

I am alone, here in this world of darkness - wait, not alone anymore. They have come back for me. Well I shall fight them, and I shall kill them, and I shall play my part in this visious cycle. And who knows, maybe this time I'll fall?

I bekon them to me. An insane grin streches my lips. Maybe I'll die here, but I won't go down alone. I can't fall into this pit of dispair - I _won't!_ I will keep fighting, and I won't give up. I will _earn_ my death song! Maybe Mickey's watching me struggle against myself, what I will become if I let the darkness tighten its hold. Maybe. Maybe he's hurt, maybe he needs my help. Maybe I'll die.

Whatever happens, though, I know one thing. I won't give up. Not again. Not now. Not ever.

This is _my_ dirge, _my_ requiem.


End file.
